A parent, not a friend

When my kids were little, we sang songs and read books about the different animals. In a group of children, you could ask “What sound does a lion make?” and all would simultaneously answer with a loud “ROAR!” When asked to draw a dog, the figure, no matter how artistic, would always end up with some version of a creature with four legs and a tail. My toddlers knew they were being silly when acting like a kitty and would laugh after meowing. There was no pondering, “I wonder if my child really is a cat?!” If there was such a wonderment by any parent, that person would be considered a lunatic! But today, basic science and biology can’t seem to define what a “female” or even a “person” is. It is one of the most simple and basic concepts of our world and yet, we struggle to understand. Our schools have litter boxes for kids who claim to be a cat and say “meow!” Boys can use the girls restroom because they simply just don’t want to be a boy today. Where has the logic gone? And we can’t blame this newer and younger generation because they all have parents. Why did the parents let what used to be toddler silliness become truth? Why would a parent let their child believe such an illogical lie? I have heard it explained as, “We don’t want them to be upset with us and push him/her away. If we accept them as they are and support them, they will keep talking with us and trust us.” Let’s take the first statement, “We don’t want them to be upset with us and push him/her away.” I think we can all agree that when a child is young and walks dangerously close to a hot stove or an open fire, we respond with authority and clarity that it is hot and dangerous and they are not to touch it. We say this because we love the child and don’t want them to get hurt. Will this inevitably frustrate that free-spirit toddler because of the limitation we are placing on them? Will they be frustrated or even upset with us for a moment because we yelled at them? Yes, of course. Does this mean that we shouldn’t say anything and accept them as they are; a living on the edge, with little knowledge and a wild spirit toddler? Absolutely not! We know the danger and we want to protect them. Will that toddler still choose to get too close one day and get burned? Possibly, but the likelihood is small given our clear, truth-driven response. Now let’s go to the second part of that statement, “If we accept them as they are and support them, they will keep talking with us and trust us.” This assumes that discipline and consequences give a sense of untrustworthiness. It is quite the opposite. As a parent, my child wants to trust that I am always going to protect them even if it is hard or unpopular and even if it ticks him/her off. It provides security and trust. There were times as a child, particularly as a teen, that I did not like my parents. I remember one time in particular, where my Mom refused to let me go to a friend’s house because her parents were not going to be around and her older sister would be in charge. I was so angry. But my mom could see that this particular older sister was not someone to be trusted and neither were her friends that would inevitably make their way over. She was protecting me and I was ticked off! As I look back, I am sooooo grateful my mom kept me from that house! We can’t forget what our role is as a parent. As difficult as it may be, our role is not to be their best friend, at least not while they are young. We are to teach them in the way they should go which WILL involve telling them “no”, giving them rules and disciplining when rules are not followed. We are to tell them the truth even when they don’t like it or it’s not cool or popular. It’s not easy. We have three teens in our home right now and I can tell you that there are days and moments when I am not their favorite person but that’s ok. I will not take rules away or diminish consequences or change my values or stop telling the truth no matter how they feel (side note-feelings are temporary anyway). I care deeply about their safety and about the kind of adults they become. Letting our children believe the lies our culture has conjured up will only hurt them in the end. And when it does, they will most certainly look at you and wonder why you didn’t protect them.